I’m filling out an online school application now, and I’ve noticed a couple intriguing scholarship opportunities. Some favorites:

1) Fine arts or liberal arts major, including librarianship, who neither smokes nor drinks alcoholic beverages[can you smoke or drink other things?]
2) student studying Pomology
3) Blood relative of Mildred L. Muller
4) Student who has a relative directly or indirectly connected with the beauty industry [My mom pays a gay man named Paolo a lot of money to get her hair done, does that qualify me?]
5) Jewish orphan studying aeronautical engineering
6) Protestant female [Sorority chicks need not apply]
7) Student who is not now and does not plan to become a member of a social fraternity or sorority, other than an honor society.

Fantastic. All I need is “Slightly overweight redhead with a German last name interested in persuing a degree in some field that will give him lots of money with minimal work. Priority given to those currently delivering pizza in South Central.”