November 29, 2005

he’s so getting that job

“I had a job interview today and the guy asked me if I knew what a cookie is. I said ‘Cookies are a delicious delicacy.’ He didn’t laugh :(”
-Johannes

Oh the shame.

Update (12/5/2005): Shocklingly, he’s getting flown up to San Francisco for a follow up interview. Go Johannes…

November 28, 2005

for me

You don’t need to understand this. I am documenting this quote so I can look back and laugh, please proceed to the next blog entry without informing me that this entry did not entertain you in the slightest:

“I could export to a folder and then scp the files over, but thats just because I am a beautiful and unique snowflake.”
Miguel De Icaza

oh, benjamin

B. Lawless normally posts more on the serious side, so when I saw this, I was more than pleasantly surprised. I hereby nominate Mr. Lawless for “Most Ironic Use of Rat Bastard” for this year.

Speaking of other people’s websites, I set up a nifty little place on the web for my friend Melissa, who actually knows how to write. You would be adrift on a kiddie pool of thoughtlessness if you didn’t click this link. I especially enjoy the link she posted to a commercial that if not created directly by satan himself, was at least the product of several Care Bears and Barney getting together for a jam session.

Lastly, Joel finally set up a site with which it is finally possible to hear him bitch across an almost infinite distance. He starts off with a diatribe on how the software that was provided for him at no cost on web space he’s not paying for is utterly and completely deficient. Predictably, he hasn’t posted anything significant since. He did not follow the teachings of the late Mitch Hedburg:

“The two most import things are you gotta start strong and you gotta end strong. It can’t be like pancakes; All exciting at first, but by the end you’re $%*#ing sick of them”

November 20, 2005

the good chucky

30 facts about Chuck Norris. I know what you’re thinking: “that sounds way lame, linking to random websites makes the baby jesus cry.” Most of the time I’d agree, but this particular website is quite exemplary. I will give you two of the top thirty in no particular order:

#1) Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

#2) Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Impressed? You can get the rest here.

November 17, 2005

it’s my christmas present to me! i’m so happy

Christmas Cats

You’ll notice on the right sidebar I’ve added a wishlist category of links, one of them is called “Christmas,” and is general cheap stuff that I would love for the holidays.

The other is a list of parts for the new Vespa I’ve purchased. Not all of them are necessary, it’s more of a list of stuff I’d like to get eventually and the cheapest prices I’ve found for them. My sister convinced me some people might want to help me out with it, so I’ve made it available as well. If I’ve been the best man at any of your weddings recently here’s your chance to thank me.

If you’ve got a wishlist available, let me know, so I can start shopping early. Please Note: If you happen to have any children under the age of 7 who are cousins of mine, there is a very good chance I’m referring to you.

November 15, 2005

insure this!

Lauren and I went to talk to the Farmer’s insurance across the street from us about getting Vespas insured, and met an insurance agent named THOR.

Does “the red-haired and bearded god of thunder in Norse Mythology” spell his name in all capitals; I don’t know. All I know is I’ve always wanted some physical manifestation of supernatural force on my side in case something goes wrong and now both Lauren and I will have it.

What’s that? You’re going to try and steal my Vespa? Go for it, and prepare to have Mjolnir (literally, “that which crushes”) knocking on your back door. When you get hit with most fearsome weapon in the Norse arsenal, you better be damn sure you’re going to feel it in the morning.

November 12, 2005

spammier than a monty python skit

For those who’ve read my sister’s blog recently, you might have noticed it was difficult to comment through all of the online poker and penis enlargement spam that had been accumulating since I gave up on keeping her spam at bay late this summer. This leads me to ask the question: Is the need for a bigger penis directly related to online poker?

Well, I finally went through and deleted all of the comment spam and moved all the content to a platform that allowed me to keep the creeping waste-product of capitalism that is spam at bay. When all was said and done I had deleted just over 12,000 comments, which is rather impressive, even when you consider it’s being done by a script.

So anyway, my sister has a new site up with a new look, so I suggest you go over there and leave her a comment.

pin yata

Best tshirt store ever: BustedTees

Where else can you get a tshirt expressing your constitutional right to bear arms?

wwid

I’m at Linnaea’s coffee shop in San Luis Obispo (free wireless for the win) and a guy at the table next to me is trying to convert the girl he’s with to christianity. He’s got sort of a Brian Wilson look to him; Not the good sun-n-surf early Brian Wilson, but the creepy Charles Manson era cults-are-fun-homeless-guy Brian Wilson.

This wouldn’t bother me except he started his proof with “First, assume God is good,” which is a hell of a logical leap if you’re trying to convert somebody’s entire view on life, the universe, and everything. I feel sorry for the poor girl, the look on her face is a combination of uncomfortable, skeptical, and yet still receptive.

I’ll keep everyone up to date on what’s sure to be a fascinating session of eavesdropping.

November 10, 2005

so… joel’s wedding

Random naked guys

Joel’s wedding. He’s been bugging me about writing a blog post non-stop ever since he tied the knot and it’s pretty much driving me nuts. The thing is, I don’t normally do step-by-step re-tellings of a weekend’s happenings, because more often than not, that kind of stuff is boring. It’s the reason you don’t read your family’s emails. I don’t care that baby boop’s bowel movements are solidifying in comparison to two months ago, in fact, I don’t want to hear about defecation unless it involves monkeys and beehive hairdo’s.

But it I guess Joel only gets one wedding and I suppose as the best man it would be rude not to post more about it, sooo….

Ze Rehearsal Dinner

They told us to meet at Nicole’s parents place at 5:30. As it turns out, the reservation wasn’t until 6:30 and the restaurant was literally 5 minutes away. What kind of people make you cut your nap short by fifty-five minutes? I’ll tell you what kind: bad, bad people. But there was beer at Nicole’s parents, and that made it better.

The restaurant, Matteo’s, was of an Italian persuasion and it was quite delicious. Nicole’s father and I decided that the sea bass could only accurately be described as life changing. Bambi used to give me nightmares as a kid, so I had the veal. There was also free wine. Well, not free, but I didn’t have to pay. Yay for not being Joel’s parents.

Ze Wedding

So I dropped the ring.

Ok, it wasn’t during the ceremony, but still it definitely fell and caused many to panic. I won’t bother trying to describe the ring in detail, a picture is the only way you can really comprehend it, but essentially it’s a ring inside a ring, which results in nothing holding the inner ring down within the ring-box. What this means is that the sprung design of the box essentially makes it a very effective catapult. Points for me.

Pastor Mike said boob and sex during the ceremony. He also mentioned The Princess Bride. He’s pretty much my hero.

After the ceremony, there were hor’dourves and an open bar. Ordering a Vodka Tonic when you meant Vodka Collins is quite disappointing.

Ze Reception

My Best Man’s speech was rock solid. Afterwords, men wanted to be me and women just wanted me. It was awesome. I couldn’t go to the bathroom without being complimented. For the rest of the reception I had Joel carry me on his back. There was dinner and an open bar. When you sit at the head table people bring you free booze. You don’t even have to stand up to get blitzed at no cost to you. Again, not really free, but yay for not being Nicole’s parents.

Jackie’s speech could be described as being *cough* concise.

The reception was surprisingly short, but it turns out it was only the setup for…

Ze After-Party

Holy Christ was this party rocking. Great catered food, pool table, jacuzzi, and to continue with the weekend’s theme, every type of booze you’ve never wanted right at your fingertips.

Congratulations to Joel and Nicole, and thanks for letting me be a part of your wedding.

PS. If you’re wondering about the picture at the top, you’re not alone.

Update: If you’re into that sort of thing, Ryan has a much more relevant wedding picture over here.

November 9, 2005

there are kids in china who don’t even have a cool hundred thou!

Apparently some people don’t need money like I do.

November 2, 2005

i’m so studying right now

After losing my Vespa, we were a little paranoid about leaving Lauren’s outside for the weekend, so we found a more secure place for it.

Vespa in my living room

I have to admit, it looks eerily like an Ikea ad

slightly related to joel’s wedding

This is part of the best man’s speech I actually had written down in front of me that I decided to censor on the fly:

“I still remember when they got engaged, they SWORE to keep it a secret so that they could surprise all of their friends at a graduation dinner that was planned to happen two weeks later…

Which would have been great, except that I found out about this THE NIGHT THEY GOT ENGAGED. Children at gunpoint have kept secrets longer than that. I wouldn’t trust either of them with my locker combination at the gym.”

I originally wrote this in because children trying to keep secrets is amusing.

I eventually nixed it because children at gunpoint, while hilarious, is not at all funny.

November 1, 2005

most notably NOT joel’s wedding

Me: I totally locked my keys in the apartment.
Me: let me know when you’re leaving work

Lauren: awe…
Lauren: do you want to come and pick up keys?

Me: how?
Me: Unlock my car door, put my key in the ignition, and drive over there?

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