Kelsey [while reading a children’s book]: “What’s a kweeshy?”
Uncle Brad: “You mean a quiche?”

As of this writing, I’ve already come and gone from San Jose. I drove up Sunday night after work and I learned a couple of things on that drive and over the next few days:

1) If you bring your proof of insurance into your house from the car for some stupid reason, take it outside _immediately_. You say you’ll take it with you next time you go out to your car, but you won’t. Instead, an hour after you leave the house for a long drive you will realize your mistake and spend the next five hours in white-knuckled horror, traveling a maximum of 65mph in a 70mph zone.

2) Fog does not exist exclusively on the coast. Apparently it is actually quite pervasive inland. who knew.

3) The California DMV tells you to not turn on your bright lights in fog. This is _completely_ _unnecessary_. Anyone who has ever tried their brights in fog will quickly discover that fog goes from being translucent to opaque rather quickly with sufficient light. Telling you NOT to turn your brights on in fog is about as stupid as telling you to turn your normal lights on after the sun sets. Instinct will suffice.

4) If it’s your idea to go ice skating, you are NOT ALLOWED to wuss out under any circumstances. Even if it’s raining. Even if said rain has turned the ice rink into a giant glass of Ice water. Especially if you knew it was raining when you suggested ice skating.

5) Ordering presents online a month before christmas is the best decision I’ve ever made.

We opened presents yesterday evening as we are spending christmas eve and christmas in Sacramento. I was more than satisfied with all the gifts I received, the highlights being Simpson’s Season 3 DVD, Family Guy volume 2 DVD, my brand spankin new jacket, and the most excellent pocket watch that Lauren got for me. I finally have a decent time piece.

I will post some pictures later, I can’t now as I am in unfamiliar territory, but for now I end this entry with a mini quote of the moment:

“You should be able to pull 35 out of your butt.”
-Uncle Chris, in reference to the minimum number of points you should be able to get in pinochle.

For reference: “raul” and “gilberto” are rabbits.

Eugene: i was playing with raul and gilberto today and they were crawling on my back. i just looked and i have pee all over my back
Eugene: you want one?
Eugene: they don’t pee on your back or anything
Eugene: one is white and the other is brown
Eugene: which one do you want?
Eugene: i can drop one off today
Brian/Red: no thanks
—
Eugene: are you sure?
Eugene: which one?
Brian/Red: I’m good
Brian/Red: thanks though
Eugene: just say you want one, and its yours
Eugene: i have papers for them
Brian/Red: maybe if you make them into slippers
Brian/Red: then I’d be down
—
Eugene: i’ll be there in 30 minutes
Eugene: think about which one you want
Brian/Red: ummm
Brian/Red: I’m going to work
Brian/Red: and locking my doors
Eugene: lauren mentioned she wanted a bunny rabbit the other day
Eugene: she said it would really show that brian cared if he got her one
Eugene: so why dont you show her with 2 rabbits?
(16:01:25) The conversation has become inactive and timed out.
Eugene: you got yerself a deal
Eugene: i know you’re there
Eugene: raul says he don’t like pizza anyway
Eugene: you missed out
Eugene: bigtime
Eugene: gilberto just gave you the middle finger

As Lauren is out of town already and nobody I know is within a stone’s throw of my house, I’ve taken to wearing pajamas when I’m not at work. Doing so is pretty much surrendering to the fact that i’m not going to do a damn thing that requires me to leave my house.

But then yesterday, late at night, I was hungry. And there was no food in the house.

I decided not to change out of my pj’s, I just put on my shoes, threw on my Cal Poly sweatshirt, and went to Chano’s in my pj bottoms. I looked pretty ridiculous.

While I was waiting for my food, an african american gentleman in an oversized Red Sox jacket, oversized pants, and untied shoes started looking at me with an expression somewhere between benign and homicidal. I like to call this particular grimace, “The South Central Smile.” He’s not really mad at anything, but if he looks mean enough, maybe he won’t get mugged.

So he’s looking at me, real slowly just dragging his eyes across me; Starting at my green sweatshirt, past my checkered blue and black pj’s, all the way down to my chocolate brown adidas superstars. His eyes made their way up to mine, and he addressed me:

“nice shoes.”

For four years I’ve proudly proclaimed that I have never gotten into a car accident. I would haughtily, even smugly, wave it in the face of anyone within an arms reach, confident that I was matched only by an Unser Jr. or perhaps a Penske in my driving ability.

This claim is… no more. My car lost it’s virginity as it made contact with another vehicle for the first time yesterday and though I will spare the details, this picture says it all:

Ok, so it’s not exactly totaled. But it made for a crappy evening all the same.

“I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long.”

“P.S., this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were missing”
-Mitch Hedberg

“Why do socks come in a resealable bag?? I bought some at Target and they have this ziplock seal. Do you want to take a few out now and save some for later? Do they need to keep fresh?”
-Aunt Sherry

Things not to do while watching Lord of the Rings.

1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, “Wait…where the hell is Harry Potter?”
2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming, “YOU…..SHALL….NOT….. PASS!” – After the movie, say “Lucas could have done it better.”
3. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says, “the Ring.”
4. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
5. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.
6. Finish off every one of Elrond’s lines with “Mis..ter Ander-sonnn.”
7. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, “And I did it…. MY way…!”
8. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone’s finger and fall down the stairs.
9. Dress up as old ladies and reenact “The Battle of Helms Deep,” Monty Python style.
10. When Denethor lights the fire, shout “Barbecue!”
11. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout, “RUN FOREST, RUN!”
12. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: “That’s what I’m Tolkien about!” See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
13. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, “Where’s Waldo?”
14. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
15. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
16. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.
17 When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for a tense moment and shout, “I see dead people!”
18. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.
19. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.
20. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.
21. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, “Man!Charlotte’s really let herself go!”

Stolen from here. Dec 12th entry.

For our belated anniversary, Lauren and I went for dinner and a movie.

Romantic, eh?

For dinner we went to Lawry’s The Prime Rib, which lived up to _every_last_word_ of praise it received from Katie and Isaac. First of all, I would describe the decor as mockingly tasteful, as if Disney had designed it. Chairs and tables were slightly oversized, waitresses scuttled around in wardrobes straight out of the 1930’s, and the men whose sole job was cutting prime rib (and thus were called carvers) pushed around stainless steel altars to meat, some of which, we’re told, have been in use for over seventy years. It made me feel like I was in some old eclectic man’s house, in fact it reminds me almost exactly of the dining room at Hearst castle. That is, if Hearst Castle had the flags from all of the PAC-10 and Big-10 universities hanging from the ceiling. As for the actual food? I can’t speak for anyone else, but it was my ideal meal. If there is a heaven and I somehow end up there, I will eat at Lawry’s three times a day. Warm bread, followed by a salad that they tossed table side, then the best prime rib (medium rare) I’ve ever had accompanied by mashed potatoes, and in Lauren’s case, buttered peas. For desert we had this crazy sampler tray that was just too much, with chocolate cake, creme brulee, a trifle, ice cream with some amazing chocolate sauce and a lemon torte. I was uncomfortably full for at least the next three hours.

Lauren and I wanted to see different movies, but she eventually wore me down, so we went to see the movie she wanted to watch. It was way better than I expected, but there were a couple of scenes where these two straight guys who were best friends were looking at each other in such a way that it made me want to stand up and shout “JUST KISS HIM ALREADY.” It’s possible I was thinking that because I read it in a review somewhere, but I couldn’t get it out of my head.

After all was said and done, it was a great evening and it’s depressing thinking about it as I sit alone with no food and a whole 2 bedroom apartment all to myself for the next three days.

“That still only counts as one.”
-Anonymous for now, let me know if you figure this one out.

Too bad I don’t go to university of calgary.

I visited Stella and Eugene in the fashion district today and I ended up with two christmas presents as well as a beanie ($2) and a hat ($3.33) for myself. Having proved we were hardcore enough to shop in downtown Los Angeles, Eugene and I sent photos of ourselves in our newly aquired headwear to the bloods and the crips, to see if we were hard enough to join.

We haven’t heard back.

Lauren and I are planning on going to a nice dinner for our anniversary and so she calls the restaraunt to make reservations and gets a message that confuses her. Lauren hands me the phone and says “it’s an automated message, listen to it.” I pick up the phone, dial the same number, raise a glass that I’m drinking out of, and with no ring I hear “Hi, this is Lana, you’ve reached [the restaraunt].”

Since my mouth was full of water, I just hung up.

Today I got an odd email from a spoofed (fake) email address. It’s not spam, it’s not a chain letter, it’s just this poem telling me to lose weight. At least that’s what I got out of it.

There are a couple thing’s I’ve noticed: There’s a lot of slang and some very awkward english, for example it says “so have potential” when I think it means “you have so much potential” and “do you not see” instead of “don’t you see.” I haven’t been able to find any mention of this on the internet after some pretty heavy searching, so I’m beginning to believe this is one of a kind, whether it was meant for me or not.

I can’t think of what this person is trying to accomplish, much less who would do it. I’ve posted this entire email below, colored to indicate it’s being quoted. If you’ve seen this before, or have a clue as to who wrote it, let me know.

you are going through a tough time
lazy times
do you not see?
In order for a satisfying life we must learn to love ourselves completely
someone in your neck of the woods cares about you
someone like everyone

(there is somebody that cares for you)

I was planning on going down to an auction in Irvine because there were some computers that I wanted to bid on. They had Pentium 3 800 mhz processors, 128mb ram, and 10GB hard drives, I wanted to use one of them as a server and intended to spend no more than $50. Originally, I was going to go down with Eugene, but he was needed by Stella, so I ended up not going. At first I was annoyed, but after i saw my computers go for $125 each on the online feed of the auction, I thanked her silently. She saved me a 40 mile trip through Los Angeles traffic.

So now I thank her not so silently. Thank you Stella. You saved me $5 in gas and a whole lotta headache.

Acerbic A*cerb”ic, a.
Sour or severe.

I suggest everyone incorporate this word into their vocabulary immediately.

A british perspective

“The world trade episode was just horrible. For a good long while the world actually felt sorry for the United States. Then there was that whole 9/11 thing which I still don’t understand. What the hell happened on the ninth of November?”
-Eddie Izzard

Though I think most of the world, especially myself, had about given up on it, but they finally captured Saddam. Looking like your average street bum in San Francisco minus the Santa hat and trading a begging cup for a pistol, he was dug out of the hole he was hiding in, dragged out of his voluntary live burial to be humiliated in public.

What can I say besides our troops are studs and studdettes. The only downside to this is in my eyes Bush is now pretty much a lock for the election next year. Oh well. You can’t have it all.

The driver’s side headlight went out on my car while at work, and I had a couple thoughts about it:

Thought Number 1: It’d be really funny to cut up a car bra to make it look like an eye patch.

Thought Number 2: The brights still work, maybe I should just drive around with those on all the time.

Thought Number 3: Instead of Sparky, my car shall hereby be known as Blinky.

“I bought a David Blaine doll yesterday… But I couldn’t get it out of the box.”
-Anonymous